20 May 2025 - Blog Entry
I have been unwell mentally since last year. To be fair, I have had mental health issues since my early teens. Fortunately, I have recently found something that works for me and I am just now starting to feel "right".
Last year my existential OCD came back in full force and I could not stop thinking about my place in the world. When I left religion behind in my late teens I went on an exploration of different faiths and how they view the world. I had no interest in joining these faiths as my views on organized religion soured but rather I was trying to figure out a common element that is consistent across several beliefs.
From religion I moved onto philosophy to examine more secular, though not always, ways to view one's place in the world and how to navigate through life.
My re-entry into self-exploration is what triggered the downward spiral I felt myself in. Medication along with a good therapist has pulled me back from the edge to now where I feel okay about continuing my path towards self-understanding. I've once again picked up reading and contemplating my own existence and came across the writings of Zhuangzi (Zhuang Zhou) and found it interesting that I was unaware of this text. To be fair, I never really explored Daoism (Taoism) aside from a cursory knowledge of it and the basics of its teachings. I am currently working my way through Zhuangzi and came across an interesting passage that resonates.
I believe that this is one of the most famous passages and I will be quoting it from the Ziporyn translation that follows:
"There is no thing that is not a 'that' There is no thing that is not a 'this.' One is oneself also a 'that,' an other, but this is not something one can directly see. Rather, it is known through the understanding, which thus says 'Thatness' emerges from 'thisness,' and 'thisness' follows from 'thatness.' This is its theory of the simultaneous generation of the 'this' and the 'that.' However, by the very same token, it can say that their simultaneous generation means also their simultaneous demise, and vice versa. When it affirms either one, it simultaneously finds it has affirmed it. By going along with the affirmation it goes along with the denial; by going along with the denial it goes along with the affirmation.
"Thus the Sage does not proceed from any one of these alone but instead lets them all bask in the broad daylight of Heaven. That is also a way of going along with the rightness of each 'this,' going along with the 'thisness' itself. For to be a 'this' is in fact also to be a 'that, ' and every 'that' is also a 'this.' 'THAT' is then itself already both 'this' and 'not-this, ' both a right and a wrong. 'THIS' is also itself already both 'this' and 'not-this' both a right and a wrong. So is there really any 'this' as opposed to 'not-this,' any right as opposed to wrong? Or is there really no 'this' as opposed to 'not-this' no 'right' as opposed to 'wrong'? A state where 'this' and 'not-this' - right and wrong - are no longer coupled as opposites is called Course as axis, the axis of all courses. When this axis finds its place in the center, it responds to all the endless things it confronts, thwarted by none. For it has an endless supply of 'rights,' and an endless supply of 'wrongs.' Thus I say, nothing compares to the Illumination of the Obvious."
I think that was the most difficult thing I have ever typed. This passage is still rather new to me so I am still processing it, however, it does vibe with my overall sense of humanity (self included) and how we go about dividing and subdividing ourselves holding one party accountable while the opposing party does the same. There is nothing more obvious, to me at least, than the current situation in America and also the world as of late.
This line of thinking has caused me so much anguish in the past and came to a head last year along with other life stresses. As I mentioned earlier I am truly thankful for a good therapist and psychiatrist as well as a very very patient wife not to mention a really good support group of friends which, to me, is not something that I really had in the past due to my upbringing.
Ah well, time to sign-off and see where the rest of this journey takes me.